What Is It You Don't Want Others to Know About You?

The promise and peril of deep secrets.

Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

The leader of our small group began the meeting with a simple question…

“What do you NOT want others to know about you?”

An awkward, nervous silence permeated the room.

Gradually, one by one, the six men present at this gathering began sharing their painful secrets.

Our secret stories aren’t signs of weakness but opportunities for tremendous courage.

Stories of addiction, loneliness, fear of abandonment, and shame flowed out, lubricated by streams of tears.

Our deeply held secrets are the proverbial two-edged swords. They gnaw away at our souls and stomachs like sulfuric acid if we keep them hidden. But we are liberated when we share them in a safe space with people we trust.

Our secret stories are not signs of weakness but opportunities for tremendous courage.

In my experience, there are very few opportunities for such safe sharing. In our polarized society, revealing fear, shame, and loneliness can boomerang, inflicting enormous emotional pain. But we must share because it is in that sharing that we see one another as the frightened and confused human beings we all are.

I know of three safe venues to explore our secrets and our demons.

The first is with trained mental health professionals. I have spent hundreds of hours sitting in therapist’s offices, plumbing the depths of my psyche. It has been a glorious experience.

The second is with a support group like the one I belong to, The ManKind Project. We are held to very high standards each time we enter our sacred space, where confidentiality is paramount. I cannot begin to express how empowering it is to witness other men reveal their vulnerability and for me to do the same. Some things don’t need to be shared with a therapist.

Lastly, we can share our secrets with one close friend. All it takes is to look another person in the eyes and speak our truth to remove the crushing weight from our shoulders. This is best when done face-to-face, but Zoom does work (I’ve done it many times).

Why does opening our hearts to others offer such incredible relief?

I am not a psychologist, but the answer lies in our inherent need to be seen, heard, loved, and accepted for who we are. Is nothing more excruciating than not being seen, heard, loved, or accepted?

When I sit across from you and listen to your story, we grow as human beings. Our empathy and capacity for acceptance and understanding expand exponentially.

For decades, I kept a shameful secret locked away, safe from ridicule and judgment.

I saw myself as unworthy of friendship and connection.

I held onto that secret, thinking I could shield myself from its effects.

I was wrong.

That secret crushed my spirit and soon took control of my mind and my behavior.

I began to isolate myself from others. I started to spiral into depression. Such is the power of secrets—they infect your thoughts and, eventually, your actions. And then, in the presence of a clinical social worker, I finally excavated the secret I no longer needed to carry.

There is no secret so damning or so outrageously shameful that it cannot be shared.

Brene Brown, the eminent researcher on shame, once said,

“Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we talk about it, it loses its grip on us... Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. But the antidote is sharing it. Shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.”

Yes, it takes courage to face something that scares us—that shakes us to the core. But we must face it if we seek serenity and peace. What good is it to pursue happiness if those things are always off the table? Is it even possible?

The ancient Stoics knew that living a meaningful life centered on integrity requires disciplined hard work. To that end, Epictetus once said,

No one is free who is not master of themselves.

Yes, it takes courage to face something that scares us - that shakes us to the core. As Yoda would say - ‘Face it, you must.”

How much do you value trust?

The familiar adage that ‘trust takes time’ is misleading. It’s deceptive because every relationship is different. Sometimes, trust never materializes; other times, it happens in hours or minutes.

However, trust builds over time if not taken for granted or compromised. In my experience, trust is second only to love in my life. Trust allows me to shed my emotional armor and “be real” with the people I care about. My life becomes grounded in reciprocal relationships that feed my heart, mind, and soul.

Trust and vulnerability are siblings - you can’t separate the two. And what leads to both?

Courage.

Courage has no meaning in the absence of fear.

Nelson Mandela